There is a part of me that just checks out. Completely zones into this transcendental space. Free from time, commitments and obligations. For a second, everything stops, and numbness takes over.
I used to fall into these moments like a comfort blanket – ready, warm and cosy. These moments would precipitate anxiety about my appearance and internal jitters when readying the war paint for social functions.
In these moments, I’m faced with all my imperfections. Once upon a time, that meant feeling ugly, thinking how I hated my enlarged pores, my nose, and that part of my hair that always tried to escape the eco styler. But I am pleased to say I have grown.
So now, I say “why are my teeth not white”, “I forgot to thread my chin hairs”, and “no I can’t smile at the cute guy in the supermarket because I’m not sure he is as cute as I think he is,” because my vision is blurry.
A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany, actually two! One, I realised even when I am sad, I still like the face I see in the mirror. I can look and my face and my tummy and say, “hey girl, you are gorgeous”. Two, most of my body hang-ups are all minor things that I can do something about if I wish. This thought process may have taken me the best part of 20 years, but we give thanks.
I started to think of how much we rush around in todays society. Circling thoughts of our imperfections again and again. How often do we dream about what we could change? How often do we sit with the discomfort of these features and accept them? How much benefit would the change bring? I can easily list all the reasons why someone else should change, but when it comes to me, I often don’t get past the fantasy.
Recently, in a YouTube rabbit hole of self-help by inspirational women, I nonchalantly glided into a TED Talk by Bevy Smith. In this post, she spoke about settling, her family guidance and being a late bloomer. She had been doing it for most of her life. What resonated for me was how she termed settling. It was not about taking on a bummy guy or being mediocre. She was successful, with vibrant life. It was about her journey to her truth and living an ambitious life in-line with her path.
So amazing, right! I have this fantasy that I am running confidently up a hill, with my hair is in a bun with a smooth chin, then I awake from meditating on a beach with a warm, peaceful smile. Where is this girl?
More importantly, this fantasy is totally grounded within the realms of reality, but it’s just not how I’ve chosen to live. Like Bevy, I’ve had the most amazing titbits of guidance throughout my life, but I’ve not been present or ready to receive it.
My reception teacher made us recite, “There is no such word as can’t, there is nothing in the world I cannot do, if I only put my mind to it, I can achieve anything”.
Recently, that has really sunk in. All these hang-ups are relative to my perception of myself and the life I wish to have. The incongruence is astounding.
I am looking for love, but struggling to see.
I am spending at least 30 mins a day examining the hairs on my chin, wishing they would stop growing.
I am smiling less and less in pictures because, my teeth look visibly discoloured.
My legs are stiff, heavy and walking feels like a concerted effort.
Make it make sense!
I have run many times in my life, and I live on a hill. I can start running again. My dentist has rung me three times for a hygienist appointment, but I have ignored every call. It is 2022. Laser treatment is thriving and safe for melanated skin. I have been prescribed glasses in the past I can get a checkup, which my workplace will reimburse.
Okay, the first one will take a lot of effort, but it will be worth it, but the other three… As my dad would say, “I’m farming fart”!
I think I was scared because of the relative cost of all the things I needed. In being scared, I did nothing, and so I was further away from the fantasy version of myself. The funny thing about fear is you think in avoiding those frightening situations you are safe, and nothing will change. But that’s not how humans are built. The more I freeze in fear, the more the fear increases. For example, I have been worried about my increased facial hair growth for 3 years, and it’s only attacked me more violently, with an average of 20-30 hairs per week, sticking out my chin.
Well, enough is enough! I put on my war paint and I went to battle with myself. Self-care by force!
So now, I have a new pair of lenses, and a smooth chin following my second laser treatment. Teeth are on the list for next month, hehe.
It feels so much more lighter, everywhere… well except my bank balance. I am forever trying to avoid the clouds of depression, the grey skies of numbness are intense. Though I am that much stronger in the journey to align myself with my fantasy image, my truth and my heart. I’m actively working towards my best self, and that is so scary, but also so magical!
Let me know if you are on a quest for betterment, and how it’s going.
Hammôck 